Oh selfish me!!!

Just when I should be focusing on leaving for my trip, I have immersed myself in everything but. I have been going crazy looking for a preschool for Olivia. Calling every school in a 20 mile radius, visiting schools, asking questions of the teachers, interviewing directors like Liv will be staying at the school till college. I mean come on she will be in a two year old class, all she is going to do is play.
I have also been surfing the Web for info about other mission trip. What other people did, who they went with, looking at pictures from their trip.

In other words I have totally created diversions for myself. Why? Because I am scared sh*tless. I am nervous about so many things, so let me just run with this and get it out of my system so that I can move on and get my act together.

I'm scared to leave Liv. I know she will be fine but I don't want to miss her. We are so attached at the hip, sometimes I feel like she is such a part of me, and that I am only half a person with out her. I am also wishing I could spend the week on vacation with Liv and Vinay. Vinay has been working so hard lately, and we haven't had much family time, and I would love to just have the time to hang out with them. I know it's a terrible way to think.

I'm scared to leave Vinay. It's been a long time since I've traveled without him. If things get rough, like the room next to ours is making too much noise, or I don't feel well and I need to find a DR, or I forgot to bring enough shirts, it's Vinay who makes it all better. He has been taking care of me for a long time and I'm scared to not have him by my side. The sad part is Vinay wanted to come with me, and I told him "No I need to do this for myself". Stupid move Nik

I'm scared to do hard labor. Now I am a hard worker, don't get me wrong. But real physical work, can be hard for me, I just don't have the stamina that a 30something woman should have. Partially because I don't work out, and partially because of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
My Aunt who is going with me is a hard worker too, but she is almost 60, and she has Epstein Barr Syndrome. What were we thinking signing up for this.

I'm scared of what it will do to me emotionally. I did see some of the poverty in Guatemala when we were picking up Liv, but I was in happy lala land of finally having my baby. This will be so much more, and I want it to be. But I know that once I have seen this I can't go back. Can't go back to thinking that everyone lives like us. Can't go on pretending that everyone has a stocked pantry like mine. Can't go on believing that everyone has the opportunity to live a good life. I know that I will forever be changed, and I'm scared to be changed.

I know that this is something I want to do, need to do, but the selfish part of me is so strong. I never pray for myself, I don't know why, I guess I don't want to be selfish, but I am praying lately, that I can do this.

Thanks for reading this rant, and seeing yet another horrible side of me.