Thursday, August 14, 2008

Oh selfish me!!!

Just when I should be focusing on leaving for my trip, I have immersed myself in everything but. I have been going crazy looking for a preschool for Olivia. Calling every school in a 20 mile radius, visiting schools, asking questions of the teachers, interviewing directors like Liv will be staying at the school till college. I mean come on she will be in a two year old class, all she is going to do is play.
I have also been surfing the Web for info about other mission trip. What other people did, who they went with, looking at pictures from their trip.

In other words I have totally created diversions for myself. Why? Because I am scared sh*tless. I am nervous about so many things, so let me just run with this and get it out of my system so that I can move on and get my act together.

I'm scared to leave Liv. I know she will be fine but I don't want to miss her. We are so attached at the hip, sometimes I feel like she is such a part of me, and that I am only half a person with out her. I am also wishing I could spend the week on vacation with Liv and Vinay. Vinay has been working so hard lately, and we haven't had much family time, and I would love to just have the time to hang out with them. I know it's a terrible way to think.

I'm scared to leave Vinay. It's been a long time since I've traveled without him. If things get rough, like the room next to ours is making too much noise, or I don't feel well and I need to find a DR, or I forgot to bring enough shirts, it's Vinay who makes it all better. He has been taking care of me for a long time and I'm scared to not have him by my side. The sad part is Vinay wanted to come with me, and I told him "No I need to do this for myself". Stupid move Nik

I'm scared to do hard labor. Now I am a hard worker, don't get me wrong. But real physical work, can be hard for me, I just don't have the stamina that a 30something woman should have. Partially because I don't work out, and partially because of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
My Aunt who is going with me is a hard worker too, but she is almost 60, and she has Epstein Barr Syndrome. What were we thinking signing up for this.

I'm scared of what it will do to me emotionally. I did see some of the poverty in Guatemala when we were picking up Liv, but I was in happy lala land of finally having my baby. This will be so much more, and I want it to be. But I know that once I have seen this I can't go back. Can't go back to thinking that everyone lives like us. Can't go on pretending that everyone has a stocked pantry like mine. Can't go on believing that everyone has the opportunity to live a good life. I know that I will forever be changed, and I'm scared to be changed.

I know that this is something I want to do, need to do, but the selfish part of me is so strong. I never pray for myself, I don't know why, I guess I don't want to be selfish, but I am praying lately, that I can do this.

Thanks for reading this rant, and seeing yet another horrible side of me.


Kim said...

I don't know if I would call you selfish - but you are worrying about some of the same things I did.

You will miss Liv and Vinay - you are right. But, this is going to be a great experience for you.

And not being able to live in our nice little world anymore - yeah - I'm struggling with that the most right now. So, I don't have any advice for you on that one. :)

I'll be praying for you - and I can't wait until you have this experience.

Anonymous said...

hey nik...
i don't think you are being selfish at all. this will be a new and courageous thing that you are doing- what most people would never do or wouldn't even think of doing. you will most likely get the best experience if you are completely honest with yourself about what you are afraid of/looking forward to changing. i applaud you and think what you are doing is a remarkable thing! good luck with everything...

Alleen said...

You are not horrible!!! You are having thoughts that are exactly what I wuold feel.

I'm still struggling with trying to get myself to commit to doing a mission trip sometime in the near future. But, yep, I'm scared!

Angel said...

I think most people have those feelings... seems normal to me. I was major stressin before Africa.
:0)It's just the choices you make to do it anyway that change your life. You are gonna do great. If you can't do hard labor the whole time that's OK. This is much more about a heart condition and touching people's lives by caring enough to be there. Hugs, Angel

Tracey said...

Selfish? No way! Horrible side, nope to that too! You are extrordinary! And incredible! Some people talk a big talk about changing the world and making it better! You are actually doing it! I applaud you and think you are marvelous!