Looking back

Wow I can't believe it's August 6 already. this summer has flown by, especially compared to last summer. I was looking back at my archives and I realized that August began my dive into a major depression. I know I tried to keep my blog positive at times but if I read between the lines I can hear the heartache in my tone. Last August my babyshower was over, the nursery complete, my agency would not let me go on a second visit trip, and I was facing going back to work in Sept. to that dreaded question "When is the baby coming home?". I still cringe at the thought of being asked that.
Last August Olivia was in the holding tank know as PGN. I had heard no news from my agency, and no one knew when she would be released. Of course everyone tells you not to pick a date you expect to have your child home by, because that date will come and go and you will just be miserable. I myself did pick a date, well a month. I expected Olivia to be home by September. Well she wasen't. If I really try I can still feel that pang in my stomach I carried around from missing holding my baby. The pictures and video's were so bittersweet. Of course I longed to see her, but yet they reminded me of all that I was missing. Mentally the waiting was just so hard. I still remeer waking up from a nightmare thinking I was hearing Liv crying, my arms cradling nothing but air. Or the feeling of this emptiness in your chest that hurts so bad it takes your breath away.
I do realize that there are so many women now living the summer I had last year. Missing their children. Dealing with the waiting for that phone call and clinging to the hope that their child will be home by the date they have secretly picked.These women are comparing time lines, glued to the forums, and sleeping next to the phone. I so wish I had some wisdom to share that would help, or had some magic words that would make them feel better. But I don't. I can say that the pang you feel in your stomach will be replaced with belly laughs from watching your child dance. And that emptiness in your chest will now be overflowing with love that it will sometimes choak you up. All I can say is they DO come home. Yes they do come home indeed