Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The # 2 Question!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well my blogger friend Angel at http://www.thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com/ posted today about getting real. I am the type of person who sugar coats everything, so for me getting real is hard, especially when it comes to my personal life. But here it goes anyway, this is what I am really dealing with right now.

Recently the question of adopting #2 has come up in a few conversations I've had with different people. Usually when people ask, I go into my spiel about Guatemala adoptions being closed and how we're not sure what we are going to do next. The truth is I'm the one that doesn't know what I'm doing about it. Vinay would be knee deep in another adoption, if it were up to him.
The truth is I really think I would be happy with only one child. I'm an only child so it feels natural for me to parent only one. I have such a strong bond with my Mom, and I feel that same bond between me and Olivia.

In fact every reason I have for not adopting again is a selfish reason. So here are the reasons

- Vinay travels allot, so allot of the time I am parenting by myself. I'm fine with this most of the time because Liv is a fairly easy child. I take her everywhere with me and we are rarely just sitting around the house. Another child would change all that for me. It's not as easy to pick up and go when you have two kids.

- I'm selfish with my sleep. It's no secret I like my sleep. I need at least 8-9 hours of sleep, some because of medical conditions, When Liv first came home I went for my check up at Sloan Kettering, and my Dr looked at me and said I had to try to take a nap everyday, he even wrote it on a prescription. But mostly I need sleep for me mentally. I can't function, I just fall apart. I am miserable and then I start obsessing about my sleep deprivation. I am so lucky that My Liv is an excellent sleeper, 10 hours a night, and a two hour nap a day. But two kids means that sleep is harder to come by. What if I my next child is a morning person, up by 6am, no naps, and is going going going till 9 every night.

-I've been thinking about going back to work. This all depends on how Liv does with pre-school in the fall. But lately I've been feeling like I might need some type of outside outlet. Right now Liv is not ready to go full day, everyday, but maybe just part time three days a week. I know that if we do have another child I would want to be home for them at least two years, since that is what i gave Liv.

-I am not a baby person. Yes I loved having Liv as young as she was at home. I know how lucky I was to have it. I did love the snuggles, and the bottles, and the little clothes. But I love this stage so much more!!! I love the independence and the communication, and being able to interact fully. Even when I hear that newborn cry in a store, I get a pit in my stomach, because It was so hard for me to have Liv cry as an infant and not know why she was crying.

So while I'm being honest I should also tell you the reasons why I would want another child.

-Vinay. Vinay grew up with two sisters, he is extremely close with his family. His younger sister and him talk at least once a week. He understands the sibling bond, and he feels it is so important to growing up. Also Vinay wants a boy so badly. When we first started Olivia's adoption we requested a girl, on the understanding that our second child would be a boy. When we go out to eat with my in-laws, it's me, Liv, Vinay's Sister, Vinay's Mom, and Vinay's Grandmother. All women and poor Vinay the only guy. It's like eating out with the cast of "The View" for him. Another reason is that Vinay has a great bond with Olivia, but I know he's longing for that father-son bond that he had with his father. How can I keep that from him?Vinay gave up his chance for biological children for me, can I make him give this up too?

-Olivia. Like every parent we want to give Olivia the best we possibly can. That should include a sibling. Someone to grow up with, to have their own private jokes, to lean on, to share secrets, and complain about their parents. Olivia deserves this. If Olivia had grown up in Guatemala she would have had 1 brother and 3 sisters. How can I deprive her of a sibling, someone to have that everlasting bond with when her parents are gone.

These are the things that have been keeping me up at night. It's hard for me to actually see all this on paper let alone post this. I look so selfish and I do fear what people will think of me, but maybe it's good for me to really take this hard look at myself.
Thanks Angel for asking us to do this, although I might have to go back to my boring sugar coated posts, this one makes me not like myself very much.

13 comments:

Farrah and Jed said...

WOW excellent post Nikki...
I understand totally where you are coming from. All this sounds resonable. Go with your heart

Tracey said...

Remmber, you are human. I think that your thoughts are very valid! Love yourself, you are real!! By the way, Liv is gorgeous!!

Bekah said...

great post, nikki. praying for wisdom for you guys. sometimes i honestly long for the days when it was just benjamin....not because i don't love isa and sam like crazy but i just had so much more energy and patience then. (i LOVE to sleep) but other moments i can't imagine life without them and my cup overflows.

Kim said...

Can I tell you that I'm SOOO with you?

Baby Alex has taught us that two kids is more then double one kid. It is much harder - harder to go places - not has much free time (as you can't tag team one kid) - and the naps!! Both Alexes very rarely nap at the same time!

Jay is an only child, and I think he would be fine with just one. I have a brother, and I never thought I'd parent just one child. Now, I'm not so sure.

I've been thinking about a domestic adoption, but I'm not sure I could handle the nighttime feedings.

I think Jay and I are going to be having long discussions about what we are going to do after Baby Alex goes home.

But, you know, I had the same reservations before we got Alex. So, maybe I could handle two.

Yikes - you want to start a support group?? :)

Corey said...

Wow...
Now that we are adopting 4 (2 at home, twins some day!) I really look back and think if we made the right decision.
I know we did but sometimes I question
Follow your heart! If you feel your fmaily is complete then it is, if you feel something is still missing then adopt again... either way you will make the right decision

Katie said...

Awesome post !!

Alleen said...

Girl, you have no idea some of the thoughts I have on this........ But for us, the road is over. I'm not always ok with that though.

Anonymous said...

hey nik...
great post. i am an only child too so i get where you are coming from. you aren't being selfish- you are being realistic and going into a very important decision with your eyes very open- that is vital! you and vinay will do whatever is right for you and your family. if liv is an only child, you and i both know there are a lot of advantages to that! there are also downsides (as i am discovering now that my parents are getting older). however, after having 3, the same could be said for having siblings. there will be advantages and disadvantages to both sides of that coin. i know how hard this decision must be for the two of you. do what is in your heart. you and vinay have so much love to give, whether it be to 1 child or 10! if you ever want to talk, just call:)
love,
jamie

elizabeth engelhardt creations said...

I so understand the sleep thing, but since I put my kids on a schedule when they were babies, I am able to get the sleep I need....I just have to remember to go to bed when they do if I need to.

You don't sound selfish. Thank you for getting so real. Keep your head and keep praying about what God wants you to do. He will make it known. Blessings and hugs!

Jman's momma said...

Found your post from Angel's challenge. All I have ever heard from people is how much they love babies. I thought something was wrong with me because I really don't mind not having a "baby" - we adopted a 2-1/2 year old. I really don't feel I have missed out on anything.

We are going to adopt again but I have had times where I wondered if Jman should be an only.

I am learning that I gotta talk about this stuff or it eats me up. I know it opens us up to rude or nasty comments. At the same time you find others out there that are feeling the same things. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Becca said...

Excellent post. I am the same way about sleep and naps. Hae you been tested for Epstein Barr virus/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?

And pray that the Lord gives you what you can handle - nothing more, nothing less. There is no rush.

Love your honesty.

Peace and Hugs,
Becca

Carrie said...

Nikki, I know how you feel. Some days I can't believe we are adopting again and a BOY! Sometimes I feel like we shouldn't push it--we are so fortunate and have so much. I am an only child too, but I knew I wanted more than one child. I guess I would be ok with one, because it is all I know. However, I want it for Savannah and for Rich and for me. I see now as an adult and losing my mom that being an only child is not easy. I think of the same things though--how am I going to function with two under 4, money, providing, Rich working lots of hours and overnight, etc. It is all concerns, but all part of life.

YOu are not selfish. Those are all valid points. You have to do what is right for you and best for your family.

Follow your heart and your dreams and you have the love and support of your family. Whatever decision you make will be right and you know Liv will be fine as an only child or with a sibling.

Candy said...

GREAT POST GIRLY...I am with you on the SLEEP and let me tell you Having TWO now it really is a WHOLE differant ball game with sleep...I get MUCH LESS and I really need 10-12 hours for medical reasons too and I AM NOT NICE with out it. I am SO very happy we did do the second adoption and it was my idea...my hubby was fine with one..because KYA is SO in love with Jagger...tonight we had a MOMMY/Duaghter date our first since Jagger has been home and all she did was ask for Baby Jagger to Come...ALL NIGHT...Hugs and THANKS for GETTING REAL