Preparing

I have officially started to prepare for my trip. Vinay's office is having each person in the office buy for one child at the orphanage. This way each child will get something special. His office has been so generous. I have also started to gather some things myself.

I have also officially started to get nervous about my trip. Scared to be away from Liv and Vinay for so long, scared of the experience, and so many other things. But I am choosing to put my fear aside and focus on what is really important. Going and helping. I refuse to let worrying rob me of this experience.

Summer nights!!

If you were a little girl in the 70's you will appreciate this video. When I was little I was always dancing to "Summer Nights" from the movie "Grease". Look who's also discovered the music, and on a lazy Saturday made up her own dance routine!!!!

July 24 1992

16 years ago today a doctor walked into my hospital room at Sloan Kettering, and told me I had Cancer. I was 17. Nine months of chemotherapy, radiation, and finally a bone marrow transplant, and I was cancer free, and thank God I have been ever since.

But I know that I was one of the lucky ones. I had two friends, both teenage girls, from the hospital die of the same cancer I had. One died during treatment, and another died 8 years later after battling the disease for years. Why did I survive? Why did I get to live? I ask myself this often. Biologically my body just responded better to the treatment. Spiritually, well I'll have to wait to ask God myself that one day.

One thing that Cancer has taught me is that it can be a treatable disease, and that someday there will be a cure!!! There has to be!!!!

Lance Armstrongs "Livestrong" campaign is constantly working toward finding a cure. During this presidential race he is making sure that Cancer is a part of the national dialogue, and that we advance our progress in finding a cure.

There are two things you can do today to help in the fight against Cancer.

1) Download this song onto your ipod. http://www.livestrong.org/site/c.khLXK1PxHmF/b.2662157/k.BC61/Maybe_Tonight_Maybe_Tomorrow.htm
It's a really good song and 100% of the proceeds benefit the Livestrong campaign.

2) Stop smoking!!!! I know that's easier said than done. Just think about this, 30% of Cancers could be prevented by stopping tobacco use. 30% of Cancers just gone. So if you smoke, or your husband uses chewing tobacco, or your friend only smokes when she has a drink. Talk to them about quitting for good. Then send them here http://www.webmd.com/smoking-cessation/quitting-tobacco-use-overview. You could just be saving a life.

So today on this not so happy anniversary, I will be counting my blessings of the last 16 years, thanking God for the path my life has taken since my treatment. And remembering that I am one of the lucky ones.

Vacation pics

Vacations on the Jersey shore are what I remember from my childhood. I am so happy that now Olivia will have those same memories. We had a great week. Lots of sun, digging in the sand and Liv even went in the water. By the end of vacation she was brave enough to even stand at the waters edge and wait for waves without holding my hand. Liv and Daddy also had allot of bonding time and Liv became a bit of a Daddy's girl on vacation. So here are a few pictures, I kept forgetting my camera so most pics are from us just hanging in the house.



Our week began with Vinay having to cut open a lock, I forgot the key, with the jaws of life
Sunday Nicholas and his Mom, Dad, and baby sister came down. Liv loved going on the rides with Nicholas.
Oh yea a woman behind the wheel!!!!
Daddy and Liv on the crazy bus!
Mommy and Liv on the spinning dragon ride. Liv loved it, I almost threw up.

Nicholas enjoying the fish ride.
Liv really loving the fish ride!!
She could ride on rides all day!!!!
On a cloudy day we visited the aquarium.
Livvy the seal

Mom and Liv getting ready for the beach
Daddy and Liv before the beach
I got this dress at a store down the shore. This is right before Liv's nap. At some point during the nap, Liv decided to take off her diaper and pee and poop in her pack and play. I walked into the room and Liv was holding a handful of poop and said "yuck". The clean up took about an hour.
Dancing to the radio
This Girl has some moves!!!

Daddy and Liv at the water park. The only thing Liv liked was the lazy river.
Mommy and Liv taking a snack break
Who is that in that port hole?

It's Olivia hiding from the splashing water. She does not like water splashing in her face or on her hair.

Mommy and Liv playing nail salon.
Daddy and Liv resting after a long day at the beach.

My favorite picture!!!

Hope to catch up on every ones blogs real soon.

Gone to the beach!!!!

We are off for a week in the sun and surf at the Jersey Shore. We plan on sleeping late, eating boardwalk food, and soaking up as much sun as possible!!!!
Be back in a week!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did I mention how much Liv loves the beach, dig this girl a hole in the sand and she will play in it for an hour!!!!
She is totally scared of the water, doesn't even like it to touch her feet. But sand is another story!!!!

Update, and some pics

Just wanted to let everyone know that we are still bottle free in this house. The first night back home was hard. Poor Olivia was just mourning the loss of her bottles. She cried for about a half hour. We almost gave in, but she was all smiles once her and Daddy had an ice pop. She will still ask for a "baba", but then she will answer herself with a "gone".



Here are some pics from last week.

Olivia loves to walk around with a blanket around her like this, that day she added a wand to the outfit

She likes to cuddle her baby and walk around like this.

Pushing around her baby.

I love this giraffe dress, everyone says she looks like Wilma Flinstone in it.

For the fourth we declaired our independence!!!!

Independence from the bottle that is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes yes Liv was still getting a bottle. Around 8:30 every night Liv would ask for a bottle, usually she would;t drink much, it was just a habit!!
I initially started getting rid of the bottles before her 1st birthday, but this child was so bad at eating I felt better know that at the end of the day she was getting some nutrition in the formula. So I said we'll get rid of it at 15 months, well she still was a bad eater. By about 18 months she was a little better but now she really loved that nightly bottle so I said OK at 2 we'll get rid of it. Well 2 came and went and I still did not have the guts to get rid of it.

Finally last week we knew we were staying at Vinay's mom's for the weekend, so I knew this was the perfect opportunity. I would leave the bottles at home. Liv had picked out a new cup earlier in the week, and I got her two other new cups for her to have her formula in. I still feel good about her having formula because we still have days where all she will eat is a cracker.

So on the first night I told Liv, "Sorry Mommy forgot your bottles, but here you can have one of these cups" She complained a little, looked through all the bags for the bottles, but was happy to have the cups. She has been using her special cup ever since. The bottles at home are already hidden, so when we go home, guess what someone stole the bottles for their babies.

Finally we are free from the bottle!!!! Free at last!!!! Free at last!!!!

The # 2 Question!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well my blogger friend Angel at http://www.thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com/ posted today about getting real. I am the type of person who sugar coats everything, so for me getting real is hard, especially when it comes to my personal life. But here it goes anyway, this is what I am really dealing with right now.

Recently the question of adopting #2 has come up in a few conversations I've had with different people. Usually when people ask, I go into my spiel about Guatemala adoptions being closed and how we're not sure what we are going to do next. The truth is I'm the one that doesn't know what I'm doing about it. Vinay would be knee deep in another adoption, if it were up to him.
The truth is I really think I would be happy with only one child. I'm an only child so it feels natural for me to parent only one. I have such a strong bond with my Mom, and I feel that same bond between me and Olivia.

In fact every reason I have for not adopting again is a selfish reason. So here are the reasons

- Vinay travels allot, so allot of the time I am parenting by myself. I'm fine with this most of the time because Liv is a fairly easy child. I take her everywhere with me and we are rarely just sitting around the house. Another child would change all that for me. It's not as easy to pick up and go when you have two kids.

- I'm selfish with my sleep. It's no secret I like my sleep. I need at least 8-9 hours of sleep, some because of medical conditions, When Liv first came home I went for my check up at Sloan Kettering, and my Dr looked at me and said I had to try to take a nap everyday, he even wrote it on a prescription. But mostly I need sleep for me mentally. I can't function, I just fall apart. I am miserable and then I start obsessing about my sleep deprivation. I am so lucky that My Liv is an excellent sleeper, 10 hours a night, and a two hour nap a day. But two kids means that sleep is harder to come by. What if I my next child is a morning person, up by 6am, no naps, and is going going going till 9 every night.

-I've been thinking about going back to work. This all depends on how Liv does with pre-school in the fall. But lately I've been feeling like I might need some type of outside outlet. Right now Liv is not ready to go full day, everyday, but maybe just part time three days a week. I know that if we do have another child I would want to be home for them at least two years, since that is what i gave Liv.

-I am not a baby person. Yes I loved having Liv as young as she was at home. I know how lucky I was to have it. I did love the snuggles, and the bottles, and the little clothes. But I love this stage so much more!!! I love the independence and the communication, and being able to interact fully. Even when I hear that newborn cry in a store, I get a pit in my stomach, because It was so hard for me to have Liv cry as an infant and not know why she was crying.

So while I'm being honest I should also tell you the reasons why I would want another child.

-Vinay. Vinay grew up with two sisters, he is extremely close with his family. His younger sister and him talk at least once a week. He understands the sibling bond, and he feels it is so important to growing up. Also Vinay wants a boy so badly. When we first started Olivia's adoption we requested a girl, on the understanding that our second child would be a boy. When we go out to eat with my in-laws, it's me, Liv, Vinay's Sister, Vinay's Mom, and Vinay's Grandmother. All women and poor Vinay the only guy. It's like eating out with the cast of "The View" for him. Another reason is that Vinay has a great bond with Olivia, but I know he's longing for that father-son bond that he had with his father. How can I keep that from him?Vinay gave up his chance for biological children for me, can I make him give this up too?

-Olivia. Like every parent we want to give Olivia the best we possibly can. That should include a sibling. Someone to grow up with, to have their own private jokes, to lean on, to share secrets, and complain about their parents. Olivia deserves this. If Olivia had grown up in Guatemala she would have had 1 brother and 3 sisters. How can I deprive her of a sibling, someone to have that everlasting bond with when her parents are gone.

These are the things that have been keeping me up at night. It's hard for me to actually see all this on paper let alone post this. I look so selfish and I do fear what people will think of me, but maybe it's good for me to really take this hard look at myself.
Thanks Angel for asking us to do this, although I might have to go back to my boring sugar coated posts, this one makes me not like myself very much.