The # 2 Question!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well my blogger friend Angel at http://www.thevoiceofadventure.blogspot.com/ posted today about getting real. I am the type of person who sugar coats everything, so for me getting real is hard, especially when it comes to my personal life. But here it goes anyway, this is what I am really dealing with right now.

Recently the question of adopting #2 has come up in a few conversations I've had with different people. Usually when people ask, I go into my spiel about Guatemala adoptions being closed and how we're not sure what we are going to do next. The truth is I'm the one that doesn't know what I'm doing about it. Vinay would be knee deep in another adoption, if it were up to him.
The truth is I really think I would be happy with only one child. I'm an only child so it feels natural for me to parent only one. I have such a strong bond with my Mom, and I feel that same bond between me and Olivia.

In fact every reason I have for not adopting again is a selfish reason. So here are the reasons

- Vinay travels allot, so allot of the time I am parenting by myself. I'm fine with this most of the time because Liv is a fairly easy child. I take her everywhere with me and we are rarely just sitting around the house. Another child would change all that for me. It's not as easy to pick up and go when you have two kids.

- I'm selfish with my sleep. It's no secret I like my sleep. I need at least 8-9 hours of sleep, some because of medical conditions, When Liv first came home I went for my check up at Sloan Kettering, and my Dr looked at me and said I had to try to take a nap everyday, he even wrote it on a prescription. But mostly I need sleep for me mentally. I can't function, I just fall apart. I am miserable and then I start obsessing about my sleep deprivation. I am so lucky that My Liv is an excellent sleeper, 10 hours a night, and a two hour nap a day. But two kids means that sleep is harder to come by. What if I my next child is a morning person, up by 6am, no naps, and is going going going till 9 every night.

-I've been thinking about going back to work. This all depends on how Liv does with pre-school in the fall. But lately I've been feeling like I might need some type of outside outlet. Right now Liv is not ready to go full day, everyday, but maybe just part time three days a week. I know that if we do have another child I would want to be home for them at least two years, since that is what i gave Liv.

-I am not a baby person. Yes I loved having Liv as young as she was at home. I know how lucky I was to have it. I did love the snuggles, and the bottles, and the little clothes. But I love this stage so much more!!! I love the independence and the communication, and being able to interact fully. Even when I hear that newborn cry in a store, I get a pit in my stomach, because It was so hard for me to have Liv cry as an infant and not know why she was crying.

So while I'm being honest I should also tell you the reasons why I would want another child.

-Vinay. Vinay grew up with two sisters, he is extremely close with his family. His younger sister and him talk at least once a week. He understands the sibling bond, and he feels it is so important to growing up. Also Vinay wants a boy so badly. When we first started Olivia's adoption we requested a girl, on the understanding that our second child would be a boy. When we go out to eat with my in-laws, it's me, Liv, Vinay's Sister, Vinay's Mom, and Vinay's Grandmother. All women and poor Vinay the only guy. It's like eating out with the cast of "The View" for him. Another reason is that Vinay has a great bond with Olivia, but I know he's longing for that father-son bond that he had with his father. How can I keep that from him?Vinay gave up his chance for biological children for me, can I make him give this up too?

-Olivia. Like every parent we want to give Olivia the best we possibly can. That should include a sibling. Someone to grow up with, to have their own private jokes, to lean on, to share secrets, and complain about their parents. Olivia deserves this. If Olivia had grown up in Guatemala she would have had 1 brother and 3 sisters. How can I deprive her of a sibling, someone to have that everlasting bond with when her parents are gone.

These are the things that have been keeping me up at night. It's hard for me to actually see all this on paper let alone post this. I look so selfish and I do fear what people will think of me, but maybe it's good for me to really take this hard look at myself.
Thanks Angel for asking us to do this, although I might have to go back to my boring sugar coated posts, this one makes me not like myself very much.